It's Friday. Sex?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
smell my finger.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
