i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
