The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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