Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
