I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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