i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
