My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
