roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
