MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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