All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
