Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
