I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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