so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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