last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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