When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
