I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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