At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
