Your face is a jimmy john
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I take back everything I said about communal showers
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
