I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
