Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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