In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
