Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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