and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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