I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
