I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Operation Purity has been aborted
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
