I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
