its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
