I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
