I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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