im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
