Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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