My boss' voice literally gives me gas
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she pinky promised me she was 18
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
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