i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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