The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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