My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I currently don't understand fingers.
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