How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
