Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
