oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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