I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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