I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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