Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
