I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Oh god it's open bar.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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