just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
