I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
don't judge my taste in strippers
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
