Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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