I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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