Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
