Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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