When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
