So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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