I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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