Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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